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[08. Nov, 2009|01:24 pm] |
Promise me you will never get this way
Just one promise, and one you can keep |
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| Something |
[31. Oct, 2009|10:23 pm] |
Well today has turned out very eventful,
i spose,
found out the guy i like likes me back, but i donno... i dont want to ruin his life...
And then there is everything else, i can feel the jealousy build in me, its ugly head threatening to take over... and then... THE ANGER, oh the anger is very intense and its so easy to hate someone, for anything, and yet its completely wrong to be jealous, over what? The fact that im too scared to go out and have some "fun" with another?? or the fact that everyone else seems to be having a fucking awesum time getting up to shit i could only dream of and I am left on the sidelines on denial, or neglect, of second best.
It'll be ok, i tell myself, knowing full right its really not going to be. I draw in inspiration from those few people in my life, who connected with me on a whole different level, who did shower me with regrets, and sorrow, who i turn to and who i admire for their own attitudes both girls have been through alot, and yet they dont realise it, i admire their strength, and envy them, even if they cant see how happy they are.
So life elsewhere, does it exist, doesnt feel like it, doesnt seem like it. Wallowing wont do nothing, the lines, i see them now, those pritty glossy red lines, you are my one companion... OH SHIT
must be off, before im found out |
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| WOOO QLD BIATCHES |
[30. Aug, 2009|06:16 am] |
ohh yeh, so totally off for a well deserved holiday :) listening to disney music, not doing homework and catching up with my friend :) emails and what not, totally gonna be full of fun, surf, sun and probs a little play time ;) BOUT TIME I HAD A BREAK hahahaha couldnt be happier atm |
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| Put a gun to my head and pull the trigger |
[27. Aug, 2009|02:37 pm] |
Yes soooooo how could one person seriously fuck things up so much?
yeh well things arnt so peachy, not that they were but JESUS CHRIST, cut me a break, have 'the talk' with my girl tomorrow, totally not looking forward to it, i kinda get the feeling that we're not working, but i wanna know why i fuck things up all the time, its sooo annoying
AND some perverted fucker messaged me on facebook and attempted to get me to hook up AHHH im sorry, but i can do way better then you, -vomits- AND IM FUCKING TAKEN you nut job
GRRRRRR
and a stupid little rainbow munching fag, -sharpens claws- OH HOW I WAS TO RIP UR STILL BEATING HEART FROM YOUR FLESH
your not it and a bit, ur not any cooler then the rest of the world, you will never be tough or a thing to fear, you are not gods gift to men, you will have an sti by the time your 20 and you do not impress me with your OMG THE BOY I LIKE JUST BROKE UP WITH HIS BOYFREIND and OMG IM GONNA GET PISSED TONIGHT, im sorry, but the first thing on that guys minds isnt gonna be the next ass he can plug, oh and, BINGE drinking is not in, AND IT KILLS TOOO MANY PEOPLE but like you care, apparently the world revolves around you, sorry honey, but it dont
PEACE out foo's |
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| (no subject) |
[22. Aug, 2009|10:02 pm] |
Has had an unexpectidally wonderful day so far and is enjoying listening to a MMRLRPG hahahaha massive multiplayer real life role playing game?!?! Hehehe how wonderful, and then there is an annoyin critter who only wishes that the world revolves around his "avoidence" self, pfft, avoide everything, cause no one likes you, shame, its cause u are so god damned annoying |
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| hey |
[30. Apr, 2009|10:41 pm] |
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well aparts from the pain i ave constantly inflicted on myself it doesnt seem enough... oh well... one day tho |
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| HRMMMm |
[31. Oct, 2008|01:09 am] |
| [ | Where this fox is at |
| | MY ROOMMMMMMM | ] |
| [ | How is he feeling |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | What is he listening to? |
| | The eery silence of a bedroom at 1 am in the morning | ] |
OMG i was reading past posts, hahaha my god im pathetic, LOL
hahaha things got worse anywho, lol more fines and such, hahhahaha but I GOT A NEW JOB, and payed almost everything off, well i think i did anywho, depends if more bills and fines come in the mail! YAY
hahahha but im crawling through it!
so smile people, they're for free, and if life yets you down, put a bright colour in your hair cause its different and somehow it makes you feel better! HAHAHHA
i donno
im just rambling cause im really scared for exams,
Catch |
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| New stuff |
[31. Oct, 2008|01:01 am] |
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Welllllllllll im finally getting back into designing clothing again, ahahhahaa been a while, like maybe last year or something for art, and well since its nearly summer, STINKING HOT expesh at work with the coffee machines a-blasting and AIR CON that works, apparently, not working, i thought id start of with a beanie and a hoddie jumper, all fox themed of course but im thinking of branching out if i get good at it, im also looking for peoples who want stuff, cause im getting damned good at altering patterns and making an ugly dress or jumper look awesum! -GRINS- sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo moving on, im gonna start posting pics when im done, hahaha could takefor ever cause i have exams next week -_- but good news is im getting a camera for my birthday! LOOK OUT WORLD the mad fox is out to make it look good, hahah or so ive been told when pplz look at my photography! |
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| Lol because I care |
[17. Jul, 2008|09:46 am] |
Well apparently I dont care about a certain someone, what a load of bull, maybe if that person didnt offend me first by not talking to me I would have been a little more careful with what I said, but not its done and im over it!
So now, moving on!
UNI starts soon, and im like OMG YYES!!!! hahaha cause things are going to change this semester hehe! im gonig to try harder and work more so I can pass really well and make all those who I care about be proud of me!
So ciao from the Fox |
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| Being Me |
[14. Jul, 2008|08:45 am] |
I got hurt again, yes and I do mean it this time, I was cheated on, again. I thought it would end, the betrayal of people to others, but I guess it doesnt, and I think this time I can't fix it, or pretend the problem isnt there, because I am really hurt. Before I couldnt sleep because I had things on my mind, now it seems I just cant stop the water flowing, like a nightmare I wake up every morning and just as the movie goes, I pretend nothing is happening, and yes I do go into that room that always spells trouble, and this for me is love. Words couldn't begin to describe the half life I seem to be living now, how every breath fails to bring life to my soul, how every time I smile now, its just a front so people wont ask why my eyes are red and why my cheeks are wet, a fake lament on what I used to be, and yet people actually don't think anything is wrong. Tourmented as I am, there are still few who bring me light, and although I may have neglected these people, if it weren't for them, I probably wouldnt be here, I am not strong anymore and I do not want to deal with it for another minute, the lies I was spun constantly suffocate me and it wont be long until I can take it no longer. Yet I sit here and wonder why it affects me so, why I dont just forget it happens and move on? People lie, its only natural, but I thought I could change that, I thought I could just let people be themselves around me and not have to worry, I was painfully wrong, oh how wrong I was. It is as if people don't believe what I say, and then just lie to me because they pitty me, side step me because im not worth it, well I can take a hint. And so with that, im lost, I can say that I really dont know what I want in life anymore. One thing is for certain, I will never be so rash as to get close to anyone again, after what was the begining of a normal teenagers life, it soon spiralled into an epic and well orchestrated event of catastrophy. Please dont take pity on me, I am no longer worthy of it, for I can help people, I can never be helped.
Yours
Steven |
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| Schpeaaaallll Yo!!! |
[05. Jul, 2008|01:11 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life, love, me | ] |
| [ | Where this fox is at |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | How is he feeling |
| |  rejected | ] |
| [ | What is he listening to? |
| | Fruits Basket Opening Theme- English | ] |
So once again I find myself here again, in front of my laptop and once again I’m writing so I can understand something I couldn't before… So here goes I suppose!
I’m so alone right now, but why, I seem to have everything? Well that's something I can’t really know…
The one I care about tried to cheat on me, so why be there now? WHO KNOWS? I really don't, than we play the amazing great disappearing act for a few weeks, have a fight then everything is supposed to be back on track, well I don't think so. Unfortunally that's life, and well as long as I don't complain about it, then I’ll look like I'm coping!
I cried because i missed a chance to do something that i would never get a chance to do again, something that ive wanted to do for a while, and it was for charity, but i couldnt, i didnt have commitments that day, just said i would see someone, sat on the sidelines the whole day and a few times i cried, but i wouldnt let anyone see
So I got thinking again, I should be doing more, I know I'm doing enough already, but when I have time to think, it becomes dangerous, and I usually end up getting upset, well here it is!
So what’s this all about? I really donno, maybe venting? Apologising, I wish…. If only I had the guts to tell the people I care about what I really think of them, but I don't, because I don't want to get close to them, because I know ill hurt them, like I always do.
I just wish they knew…
Hurt me and you will regret it, so please don't try to lie to me, or worse, cheat on me, because it will not work, I’m not smart but I’m not stupid either… so think before you act, it just might be your last with me…
So what to do now, I don't know? Wait and see I suppose. I will turn over a new leaf, join me if you please, but I’m over being hurt, dragged through the long road on my back, making contact with every stone and jagged edge.
There is a lot I’ll endure for others, but screw me over and I’ll make your life hell. I know everyone can be better than that. I am better than that!
Have fun for a change, and stop once in a while to let those who you care about know that they are special to you, it only takes a minute.
~Kendokitsune |
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| The Ramble of a Mad Man. |
[05. Jul, 2008|01:06 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | myself, personality, truth | ] |
| [ | Where this fox is at |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | How is he feeling |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | What is he listening to? |
| | To Zanarkand | ] |
I wrote this a while ago, when I was upset, but I think it's still relevant, even now!
The Ramble of a Mad Man.
Well I think this is way over due, I was going to write this out and post it online, most likely live journal cause no one reads mine, but things ran through my head, and I realised that the opportunity would be there, and I don't think I’m ready to share this with anyone, yet.
I can help but feel that my life is nothing more than to help others, like, people expect so much from me yet never ask how I truly am, not that they could see it, I'm so good at lying that I'm starting to believe it myself.
Once again I'm crying, but why, why do we cry, what’s the point of it, I don't even know why I do, but I seem to cry a lot, and the funny thing is, I’m usually smiling, which is weird. But deal with it because I am really trying to be a better person.
I wont ever make anyone happy, not the I’m your friend stay up till the wee hours of the morning, happy, but the deep level, where words don't need to be said, I cant do it, which I’m terribly ashamed of. I can’t feel attached to anyone, not yet. Sure I care so much about them so much that it hurts, the levels are different, like a yacht and a cruise ship, well that's a crap example, no wait, like dogs and cat, people like dogs, others like cats, its rare when you find someone who is neutral, who has a balance between the two.
(Just to note, this is really sad; it's the second time today that I've gotten deep and meaningful)
Continuing, all I’ve ever done is hurt people, and yet I still exist, not in a harmful way, I don't try that, but I want people to understand me, the full me. Maybe that's when ill find piece of me that's missing. I try to hide things from people according to their “genre” mainly because it saves the explanations, but even when i express myself, I never get the simple “well done” that I’ve strived so long to get.
So why am I doing paramedics, isn’t the whole thing going to warp my views even further, well I hardly think so. I’m so different; things affect me differently to other people, be it anything, and yet, no one can tell me why, its like I’m AM radio and everyone else is FM. But surely, I’m not that different?
Well at least there is a positive to this, the fact that I'm broken at the moment, the fact that I wont even consider to kill myself, because I want to work through my problems, myself, or with those appropriate. I couldn't do it anyway.
BUT why am I so hurt, why now, why? There seems to be more questions that I don't know. There are things everyone can be sure of in this world, this life, and I guess I'm not one of them,
Really I’m just frustrated because I cant be with the one who stole a piece of me, and I can’t be whole with the one I stole, I’m messed up, I have messed up, to be honest, I let people fall in love with me, I knew they would, but I continued because I’m so selfish, I needed the company, help me feel somewhat normal, and now I feel that is slipping further and further away.
I want to be someone, not the friend of or the person in the background. I want to be loved for what I am, what I can do and not hated for my strange sense of life or my quirky attitude. I want to be able to get up in the morning, and look forward to the good and the bad to come, and know that I’d always have someone there to bitch along with me, and not get frustrated, because that's how I deal with things I either talk about them (classified as bitching) but I don't do it in a harmful way (unless you have pissed me off, cause me to hate you) which doesn't often happen, or write them down, I can clear my head and it doesn't take much effort.
So for those I have offended I am deeply sorry you cannot accept me or my views, even if you disagree with them.
Don't judge me because of what I did; help me so I can become something more. Peace XOX
~Fox |
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| The spacial warp |
[19. May, 2008|09:10 am] |
Well i know its been a while since my last post, lol lj told me its been 4 weeks, which is a month, but OH WELL
Hrmm
quick update,
nearly left my course, but didnt, it is a terribly boring story of how stupid and unprofessional university really is and how much i hate feeling stupid. But it seems that my lecturers and teachers think that everyone doing the course is doing it because their ALREADY QUALIFIED so we MUST know everything, when i actual fact we know shit all and yea... so i came close to leaving... i just hope i can pass well...
My dog had her opperation, it was just a fatty lump that had passed through her stomic! SO ALL IS WELL.... thank god, but i was lucky cause my sister was the vet nurse assisting the op!
I am at a loss because im kinda over things at the moment as well, i just wish it was the end of year cause i have midyear exams in june, soooooo not looking forward to it
AND
missed opportunities, i could have been parading around in a mascot suit yesturday but because of uni, and the insane ammount of homework i have to get done, not to mention the hours i have to put in extra so i can learn all the skills properly, i seem to be having to alot of trouble maintaining my social life, and i feel bad cause i had to pike.... not that i wanted to.... so im kinda upset about it
WELLLLLL
things hopefully will be looking up in the later days of this year, hopfully!!!
WELLLLLLLLL hugs from the fox in melb!
once i finnish |
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| Sick, but better!!!! |
[15. Apr, 2008|08:47 pm] |
BOOOOO YAAAAAA
im feeling exceptionally well now??? YAY
I was really sick the last couple of days, i didnt know what time it was or what day, and somehow i managed to haul my furry butt to uni and do my lab! but im not looking forward to the results of the prac (we had to swab our nose and throat to incubate and harvest bacteria) and im guessing that there is going to be some nasty thing growing on my agar plates!!! WOOOT, thats going to be interesting
So.... what have i done today, I HAD A GRANNY NAP, yeh, a little desperate but combined with panadine forte, it made for a couple of hours of really intense sleep with awesum dreams!!!
and now i feel good, which is excellent, because i have a party to go to on friday! and i wasnt looking forward to being a party pooper.
Hrrmmm, and work made me go into work, which is ok cause i needed the money, but i dont think its was very right of me to do cause i was green at that stage and didnt look to apetising... hrmmmm, but i took the next day off cause (not going into the gory details of monday) i really wasnt well
WELLLL MOVING ONNNN, the capitals is because im freaking out about my BioScience exam next week... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH bad...... lol its not too awful cause its 45 multiple choice questions, knowing my luck ill forget my pencil (cause its one of those computer ones where they zip it into the computer and it answers it for them, talk about lazy)
So cheerio all |
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| The true |
[08. Apr, 2008|08:20 pm] |
What a hard topic, can you honestly tell the truth, I know that I can, everyone has the ability to but on the spot, when someone askes you who you love? or what your sexuality is? if you've ever taken drugs willingly? and so on, could you not choke, and tell that someone, the truth? Would you butter it up? making it easier to swallow?????
Well to be cliche.... The truth shall set you free.... be honest to those you love, dont be afraid of the truth, and it shall bring you closer!
I can honestly say I hide from the truth, if you've read my previous posts, you'd know that. But simply telling the truth to someone is so much harder than them asking, if you asked me now, who I like, i would tell you, Im not afraid anymore, because seeing that person happy is enough for me, so if they have someone else special, if they like someone else, or simply they dont like me in that way, I'd be ok... for now
Questions dont always have a simple answer but they should, you know the truth, dont be ashamed about it. Lies start out as simple embelishments on the truth, a "white lie" if you wish, and trust me, they bite you on the ass... I know cause im not alowed to go out often cause i withheld the truth from my parents, something that I wish i hadn't done, i didn't think it would be so bad?!?!? but without telling them, i wedged a hole between us, broke the trust, and its something that isnt repaired easily.
So in light of this, Be truthful when someone askes you a question, granted if your not comfotable with it, dont answer it... just tell them, look i cant answer that at the moment, it is after all the truth, not the answer they were seeking but something that should be acceptable!
Stay safe and be happy,
Bad stuff happens, but it takes a special someone to see the light at the end!
Ciao
much love
Steven, the fox! |
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| News! |
[07. Apr, 2008|10:36 am] |
Well I've just nearly finnished my second assignment for uni, and although its a drag, I can't believe that I'm finally at the end of the road for my studies, yea so I've got another 2 years and 3 terms left, but OMG. Well I can't help but feel a little sad, because once I've finnished, thats the end of being a bummmy student and mooching of my parents (not that I really do that, because they don't pay for anything of mine, tho I don't have to pay board or bills, I do pay for the net here and my phone, and when I feel like cooking I pay for dinner and make it! Yeh I can cook, tho I'm not too sure how well)
I'm kinda in lala land cause somehow, with my crap-ola wages, I have managed to buy, and maintain, my little white car, I really am pleased with it, even tho it's a Daewoo, and I recently bought a purple clarinet, I'll have pictures of both soonish when I can find a decent camera in this house (I might have to commondere my sisters for the day, -evil laughs-) cause OMG ITS PURPLE!!!! lol and my car is cool cause its "Espero"!!!!!
Which apparently means spirit, which I can see, in some cool language like spanish I think!
Future Plans Include:
A possible trip to either the UK, Malta or both (relatives galore and I think its time to meet them and see if i fit in somewhere within my family)
A trip to Canada (to visit my friend there ^_^)
More furry property! (cause one can never have enough furr!!!!)
A new job (i need a cooler job that doesnt distract from my social life [with what little that i have left] and that pays enough for me to pay for petrol for my awesum little car and for my -cough- scampy social life
Lol and I wouldnt mind my parents to be a little more forgiving or flexible. I'm finally allowed to stay out later and later, I've been pushing the boundries to get them used to me being 18 and being alowed to go out and have drinks and party. But... and there is always a but..... they dont like me driving out cause they think im unresponsible and they dont trust some of my friends, like the ones they havnt met, but YAY, these boundries are coming down cause I have proved more than once that I'm responsible!!!!!
PURPLE CLARINET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im sorry but its still exciting hahahahahahahahha cause its purple!! and it actually isnt too hard to play, decentish quality and sounds really nice!!!
Well thats enough from me, Im actually happy again!! YAY
-hugs you all-
Be happy and stay safe
~Steven |
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| So not gullible |
[05. Apr, 2008|10:33 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | pissed | ] |
| [ | Where this fox is at |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | How is he feeling |
| |  aggravated | ] |
So pplz think im gullible, GRRRR AT THEM, i catch on pritty fast, with my awesum super abilities, i caught them out, stupid f%^&*ing dicks,
And it only made me like the person i like, EVEN F%^&ING MORE, oh yay
so im pathetic, wooptedoo!
Well im lame
Ciao |
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| Broken |
[24. Mar, 2008|12:44 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | love | ] |
| [ | Where this fox is at |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | How is he feeling |
| | hopeful | ] |
So I fianlly snapped, everything is shitting me up the wall, and I had to find out why, sure who would care about me anywho, I'm a horrible person, and I know it, I'm so god damn selfish, but its something I cant change. And I wont change, because I don't want to.
I have not stopped my waterworks, I taste the saltyness of my defeat, but yet I still walk on.
So the good news, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I cant believe it, the bad news is, I will not get who I want, because that would be rude and insensitive, like i said, I'm selfish.
I am the rebound, the mistake, the regret.
I want someone to hold, someone not to take me for granted, but dreams are made for the bed, an illusion we strivve for, and unfortunally I've lost my ability to dream.
So I suck on the harsh reality I have created!
Be happy, for happiness brings light to those in darkness
~Fox |
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| Day to Day living |
[20. Mar, 2008|12:17 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | diary, uni, work | ] |
| [ | Where this fox is at |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | How is he feeling |
| | annoyed | ] |
Well today at uni we learnt how to take blood pressure, and no joke, i can find anyones pulse, its not too hard, but what i couldnt do is hear it wif the stethoscope so i sat there and made pplz blood pressure up, i think its time i went and got my own stethoscope, i think!
I cant believe im still together, and who said falling in love is easy?, not me, thats for sure... The hardest think is i havnt been able to talk to the person since we first met, makes it hard to blurt out your feelings, which in turn is a good think i spose,
So im totally not looking forward to wrok tonight because its the day before good friday, and no matter how many pplz leave the country there is still gonna be a shitload of pplz harassing deli staff asking for fish for tomorrow and stocking up the bomb shelter, cause the supermakets are closed for 2 days, OMG, but they feel the need to buy enough food to feed 15 families for a week!
Well thats enough from me now!
Catch
~Steven |
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kendokitsune's journal
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